I’ve never understood
those people who, after a binge of greater or lesser proportions, can wake up
and say, “never again.” To me it smacks of rank amateurism and a level of
self-delusion I can’t even begin to contemplate. To me, no matter how bad, the hangover must be embraced as
part of the drinking experience: a souvenir of the night before, a memento mori
forming a more extreme layer of sobriety.
That said, if there were a
way to avoid the things, I would.
Although I have had some limited success on this front by taking half a
Valium before bed, as a system it fails in two important regards. First, Valium is expensive, and that
money would be better spent on drinks; and second, it requires organisation:
not only the purchase of the pills, but also the wherewithal to actually
remember to take the things. Any
hangover prevention strategy that depends on the organisational capabilities of
the drunk in question is ultimately doomed to failure.
So, in the ordinary scheme
of things, one is left hungover, stranded, in exile upon the island of
sobriety’s revenge. Broadly
speaking, I find they can be broken down into one of three kinds:
1) The Common or Garden
Hangover. Symptoms Include: an
“oof” upon waking, dryness of the mouth, a slight tiredness behind the eyes, an
acute awareness of the membrane around the brain. Almost indistinguishable from the simple fact of being
alive. Treatment: water, coffee,
orange juice, toast. Tea with
sugar if symptoms persist. Distinctive
Activities: checking with trepidation your wallet to see if by chance you have
any change from the night before.
2) The Proper
Hangover. Symptoms Include: “oh my
God,” “oh fuck,” or in certain iterations, “oo ma heed.” Akin to waking up into a brick
wall. Extreme dryness of the mouth
and throat, difficulty swallowing, shaking of the extremities, sense of brain
collapsing in on itself. Low-level
guilt, paranoia and fear, although often tempered by a naughty schoolboy’s
sense of mischievous pride.
Treatment: either, strong drink, Full English Breakfast, more strong
drink; or cowering indoors with the curtains drawn, hoping the world doesn’t
find you. Distinctive Activities:
checking with trepidation to see if there is anything left in your bank account;
desperately trying to remember to whom you now owe money.
3) The Post-Bender
Psycho-Physiological Crisis.
Symptoms Include: stunned silence on waking, perhaps a sigh of relief as
one realises one is, probably, still alive. Tremors in the body and usually in the soul as well. Uncertainty with regard to whom one’s
brain belongs, as any thoughts one has tend to detach themselves from the
inside of one’s skull and take on a life of their own. Fear. Guilt and paranoia begin to emerge once one regains partial
ownership of one’s head.
Treatment: none, as suicide is beyond you. May decay into other forms of hangover over time, and
therefore be treatable as such.
Distinctive Activities: a remarkably sanguine acceptance of the economic
freefall one is now condemned to, a sanguinity dampened only slightly by the
realisation one’s internal organs are now worth significantly less on the black
market than they were before one started.
As I say, it’s just a part
of the life we’ve chosen. Cin-cin.
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